


Fun Times at Kiss World

by Hillsofuhhtennessee



Category: KISS (US Band)
Genre: Amusement Parks, Arson, Cocaine Smuggling, Dee Snider as an angry clown, Exploiting the American Medical System, Fanny Packs, Multi, NO GRANDMAS, Slapstick nonsense with fair rides, Weird Fascination Prizes, bazooka vs flamethrower fights, bumper cars, captive guitar solo serenading, cartoon violence, catman pretends to be 12, coaster enthusiast jokes, gay log flume orgies, loose change theft, midway games, old man fights, pathetic depictions of hell, terribly written porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:47:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26538340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hillsofuhhtennessee/pseuds/Hillsofuhhtennessee
Summary: The idiotic episodic adventures of a gang of rock clowns at their vaguely 70s-90s era amusement park.  Featuring lots of fire and explosions, a strange mix of realistic and cartoony ride antics, strange business decisions, heaps of dumb jokes, and a disgruntled clown with ramen hair.
Relationships: KISS is just a four-man gay clown orgy
Comments: 13
Kudos: 6





	1. The Gates of Hell

**Author's Note:**

> KISS gets through the metal detectors and Demon ropes Spaceman into a.... strange experiment and business venture.

“We’re KISS, why do we have to go through the metal detectors?”

“You say that as if we’ve never had an evil robot clone problem, Catman.”

Catman was unamused as he began pulling off all his watches. Spaceman and Demon were lagging behind, lugging hefty fanny packs.

“Astounding. You actually carrying something, Space. What the hell’s in there?”

“A whole lotta coke.”

“You can just buy those from the vending machines, you know.”

“Aw Demon, you’re such a riot. Going off about how evil drugs are and then selling them in your own damn park. Guess bad is good when you’re evil incarnate.”

“Oh my god, Space, you can’t just smuggle fucking cocaine into an amusement park. Not when there’s REAL PROFIT to be made.”

“Whaddya mean, drug dealing makes great money!”

“You don’t understand. There’s a real market for roller coasters that help pass kidney stones. It’s sounds batshit insane but Disney’s all over it. We just need to figure out which one works best, then we can claim it as an alternative medical treatment and exploit the American medical system and charge astronomical fees and we’ll be rolling in dough!”

“What the hell does that have to do with smuggling drugs into an amusement park?”

“I’m trying to covertly smuggle in a realistic plastic model of a kidney in a baggy for some science experiments and you’ve already got a track record for sneaking shit in, I don’t. If you do that for me, I’ll split the profit with you. You even get to smuggle piss into the park.”

Demon knew Space’s weird fetishes quite well. He often wished he didn’t, but it was useful sometimes. 

“HELL YEAH I’LL BE YOUR PISS SMUGGLER!”

“Shhh. Quiet down. We’ll switch real quick, you amuse the security guys, and I’ll pretend that white powder is just spilled Sweet n Low”


	2. Greased Lightnin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys have fun on the Detroit Rock City bumper cars as Catman attempts to exploit the power of momentum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't actually know what happens when you overload a bumper car.

They went on the Detroit Rock City bumper cars first as a warmup. Catman looked mildly dejected when he saw they were boring modern ones as opposed to the souped up ones from the 50s that hit like freight trains. 

“Hey Demon, can you ride with me?”

“Sure, Cat.”

Spaceman was furious.

“Cat! How can you ditch me for that old broad? I SUCKED YOUR DAMN DICK FOR YOU YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARD!”

“Yeah, but he weighs 300 pounds with that armor on and we’re gonna launch you into the sun with the force of 1000 Lusse Auto Skooters.”

Space stared nowhere in particular for a few seconds, then noticed the 400 pound maximum car weight.

“Alright, sure. Have fun you fucking chubby chaser.”

He piled in with Starchild, who happily let him take the controls. His propensity for car accidents was finally useful for once. The buzzer went off and the two shot off like lightning, pounding into innocent children with wild abandon as Spaceman cackled wildly. Demon and Catman’s car was motionless, the motor screaming in pain. 

“Come on, come on, move you stupid fucking scrapheap!”

Meanwhile, Spaceman was laughing hysterically after he had managed to break the steering wheel off his car, trapping him and Starchild in a circle right around the stalled car. 

Demon pulled out a comic book as he sat there, utterly bored. Cat was flooring it and turning red with frustration as the car revved angrily and sparks crackled around the roof contact, but wouldn’t move. And then he heard singing. 

“Go Greased Lightnin’, you’re burning up the quarter mile!”

“Greased Lightnin’ ooo Greased Lightnin’”

Starchild was desperately trying to hide how his own driver had fucked up just as bad as they ran laps around the other car.

“Go Greased Lightnin’, you’re coastin’ through the heat lap trials”

“Greased Lightnin’ ooo Greased Lightnin’”

Cat was pissed.

“Fuck you too!”

Spaceman mimed along to the guitar solo, his hands free of steering duty. The last straw was when the bored Demon decided to join in on air bass.

“I HATE ALL OF YOU! I’M QUITTING THE BAND WHEN I GET OFF!”


	3. Fun and Games (and Swearing at Children)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> KISS plays stupid games and wins stupid prizes. Starchild encounters a disgruntled clown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whether you hate Dee Snider or love him, he's the perfect antagonist for KISS because he's just as easy to make fun of.

Fuming after the bumper car incident, they let Cat decide where to go next. They headed to the midway games to go burn off some steam by knocking over some bottles.

“Here, you guys clearly won at the bumper cars, you go first.”

Starchild chucked a ball at the wall of bottles, but it bumped off without jostling them at all. He was never one for sports and Cat knew it. Spaceman took his own shot. After a limp but dramatic windup, he bopped the barker with a pathetic toss akin being nudged by an errant butterfly.

“Aw man, I shoulda smuggled in my pyramid hat along with this bag of piss”

“Wow, you throw like a girl. Let me show you how it’s done.”

Starchild glared at Demon for his comment.

“That’s sexist!”

“Fine. You throw like a blind tyrannosaur with no arms.”

“That’s better.

“And Space throws like a blind tyrannosaur with no arms... that’s also a girl.”

“HEY!”

Demon picked up a ball and gave it a decent throw. It ricocheted right off and back at him, but he whipped out a ping pong paddle in time to deflect it at a nearby dunk tank clown. 

“What hell, I hit that bottle spot on, this isn’t right!”

“Lemme try lemme try!

Catman grabbed a ball and gave it a hard pitch. It smashed into the bottles but flew right back. He dodged it with his catlike reflexes and it beaned the same dunk tank clown right in the forehead. Not an easy task considering how small it was. He was turning red with rage and frothed at the mouth like a deranged poodle.

“HEY! What are you motherfucking MORONS doing? Who put you fucking bozos in charge and me here getting pelted and soaked all the time? Ten fucking years and no promotion???"

“Daniel, you should be grateful you even make a living as a clown. There’s a lotta sad hobo clowns out there living under bridges.”

“TEN MOTHERFUCKING YEARS OF THE SAME SHIT DAY IN AND DAY OUT! AND I DON’T GET SHIT FOR IT! NOT EVEN CLOWN OF THE MOTHERFUCKING MONTH???”

“Not until you quit running your potty mouth in front of the kiddies, Daniel. KISS attracts both local perverts AND conservative families.”

“I’ll swear at children all I goddamn like! Life is fucking hard, get used to it!”

Starchild narrowed his eyes. 

“Drop the F-bomb one more time and I’ll drop a whole different F-bomb on you.”

“Ooh, look at me, I’m so fucking scared. Whatcha gonna do, call me a f*g?”

“You’re fired. Get off my property.”

Starchild called for some security guards to escort him out and turned back to the group. 

“Let’s go play Fascination and forget about all this.”

——-

They headed to the Fascination parlor next, eager to win SOMETHING after that probably-rigged bottle disaster. It was a game similar to bingo and skee-ball common at old timey amusement parks, known for giving out all kinds of weird prizes. Fortunately it didn’t require much athleticism, just a bit of aim and luck.

Demon had a hell of a time getting any line to light up. He kept melting the balls in his hands, and getting more irritated made the problem worse. But he soon got enough tickets for a chocolate bar and decided to cash in early. Catman was solid at the game from years of experience. He couldn’t light up the red line in the back, but he was able to get yellow line after yellow line and get a decent stack of tickets. Starchild failed miserably and resorted to flirting with the redemption counter girl to schmooze a prize out of her.

“Hey girl, I see you got a nice collection of bowling shoes behind you? You like bowling?”

“Of course! That’s why I work here, the sound of the little balls rolling reminds me of bowling alleys!”

“Well, how’d you like to let me roll my ball up your greasy lane?”

Spaceman was rolling balls out balls willy-nilly, bouncing them off the sides, spitting them out of his mouth and nudging them with his backside. While wearing his pyramid power hat the whole time. That seemed to help his luck. The machine kept pumping out ticket after ticket as he laughed hysterically.

They walked out of the parlor afterwards and compared their prizes they got. 

“Already ate it while waiting for you guys.”

“The cute counter girl offered to go bowling with me.”

“I got a bunny!”

Catman held up a smallish pink rubber object in a plastic clamshell case. 

“That’s a vibrator, Cat.”

“Whaddya do with it?”

Demon sighed in exasperation.

“You stick it in your pussy and it goes brrrr”

“GUYS! I WON A BAZOOKA!”

Space came prancing out, anti-tank rocket launcher in hand.

“Let’s put that away in a locker for now-“

“Nah, I’ll just stuff in the pocket dimension in my fanny pack along with the fake kidney”

“The WHAT?”

Starchild was completely unaware of Demon’s business venture.

“It’s top secret clown business!”


	4. Let's Put the "Flat" in Flat Rides

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> KISS splits up and gets thrashed around on some spinning rides. Spaceman walks in a straight line.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd highly recommend looking up what a Chance Skydiver looks like, they're a unique and rare ride that's hard to explain.

“The King of the Nighttime World over there is a rare and elusive Chance Skydiver. They were the actual kings of the fair circuit in the 60s but they’re nearly extinct now. It’s like a ferris wheel, but you’re in a little airplane thing and you can roll around while you divebomb the midway. They’re awesome!”

Cat was very enthusiastic about old janky rides like that. Demon swallowed looking at the thing. It looked like seventy foot buzzsaw bedazzled with neon lights, whirling around frighteningly fast.

“I’ll stick to the Rock N’ Roll Hell over there, thanks.”

Starchild decided to keep him company, while Spaceman agreed to be Cat’s copilot on the King. 

“I want the window seat, Demon!”

Demon scooted to the inside, eying the “heavier riders on the outside” sign. He wasn’t going to kill Star’s fun. Regulations like that were for pussies anyway. They watched as the King slowly wheeled around and Cat and Space were loaded and locked into their cage of death, then slowly rolled it around while the rest of the wheel loaded cage by cage. 

Rock N’ Roll Hell was a standard amusement park ride that went by a multitude of names. One of the ones with an undulating track that spins around about a dozen times a minute, smashing riders into each other with the sheer force. Sitting on the outside of Demon was a mistake. Star was delighted at first as the ride flew over the little hills and Creatures of the Night blared. But then it started to get up to speed and he was getting squeezed harder and harder by Demon’s flank. Slowly turning into a Starchild pancake. 

“SCREAM IF YOU WANNA GO FASTER!”

“GET ME OFF I’M DYING!”

“YEAAAAH WE’RE REALLY CALLING THE FIREHOUSE NOW!”

The operator turned on a siren and blew a firetruck horn as the ride hit top speed, Starchild’s eyes almost popping out of his head. He felt like a record getting pressed.

Meanwhile, the King started into the actual ride cycle and Catman sprang into action. With his strong drummer arms and endless energy, he cranked the steering wheel like mad, sending the cage into a wild spiral. The world was a blur and the blood pounded into their heads as the rounded the bottom upside down and whirling around wildly as they soared back up again. And then it slowly came to a stop, then started going backwards. The thoroughly squished Starchild could hear the yowls and obnoxious drawly screams all the way across the midway.

Cat stumbled out of the cage, followed by Space, walking in a line straight and neat enough to finally pass a drunk driving test.

“I’m so fucking dizzy, Cat!”


	5. Baby Steps and 20-Minute Guitar Solos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Demon conquers his fear of heights on a kiddy coaster. Starchild has to be rescued from Vinnie Vincent's serenading while Spaceman takes a poop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, things are getting fun now.

Demon looked apprehensive as the group went further into the park and he could see the bigger coasters and rides come into view. He really didn’t like heights. 

“Aw Demon, you’ve been awfully quiet. Cat got your tongue?”

“Shut up before I disembowel you and make you into violin strings.”

“Geez man, just admit it, you’re scared. I know you’re the one who can fly and all but I’ve seen that same look on your face then. You know, the Baby Driver coaster is right over there. I need the credit for it and that it’s just some little kiddy ride that shouldn’t be scary.”

“Fine. I guess. This is so damn embarrassing.”

“They make you have a kid so I’m gonna hold your hand and scream Daddy.”

“Good grief.”

Catman dragged him up to the platform. The underpaid and unamused ride operator glanced at them. 

“One rider must be a child under 13 or 48”.”

“I’m 12!”

“You look more more like a short, chubby middle-aged man to me.”

“Little Timmy’s very sensitive about his old man face, be gentle, please. He's scared of falling since his mom dropped him on his head as a baby and this ride is the only thing he won’t piss himself and cry on. Just let us ride.”

“DADDY NO I’M SCARED!”

The operator was too underpaid to care about stopping them. 

They were strapped in the back seat as the usual mix of normal families and sweaty middle aged KISS fans stared at them in confusion. Then the ride started.

Not an eardrum was left unharmed between Demon’s terrified screams of "MOMMY!" and Cat taking advantage of the situation to yell “DADDY!” at him in public without too many weird looks. 

Meanwhile, Starchild was stuck on the Pharoah’s Fury. It was a stock model swinging ship ride vaguely similar enough to the Ankh Warrior to not cause legal problems. The operator was a small, feminine man with fabulous eyeliner. He cheerfully escorted Starchild to one end of the empty boat. The ride was off in a back corner and didn’t get many visitors. And then it started swinging. And swinging. And the operator whipped out an electric guitar and started shredding for his captive audience.

“Dear god make it stop!”

He kept going on and on and on and the ship kept swinging and swinging

“Vinnie Vincent, lead guitar!”

That still didn’t stop him. Starchild was going green in the face.

Fortunately, Spaceman was just emerging from a porta potty after pooping without flushing without social shame for once. He noticed Starchild’s screaming and the horrible racket, then eyed the power plug for the ship. He yanked it out and the ride and shredding slowly came to a stop. 

"SPACE! Why didn't you do that before I got subjected to 20 minutes of that.... noise???"

"I was taking a shit."

"20 minutes to take a shit?"

"I was also fighting a clown with flamethrower with that bazooka I won, I guess."

"I-I don't even want to know what you mean by that."


	6. Burn in Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel wins a flamethrower from Fascination, torches half the park, and gets into a fight with a bazooka-wielding Spaceman.

Spaceman hadn’t been lying about the bazooka fight, though.

Daniel was pissed about being fired, of course. The guards dragged him out of the park by the ankles kicking and screaming. As he was dragged through the dirt, his mind began to plot. It went to evil places. He wasn’t going to take this abuse anymore, and if they were going to fire him, well, he’d just fire them back a whole ‘nother way. He grabbed onto a pole with his loose arms, catching his captors off guard and knocking them over. Then he kicked them in the head hard enough to knock them out, stole their clothes, and tied up his ungodly ramen hair into little braids so he could hide it under a hat. 

He turned around to look for a target. The bumper cars. The operator was out for lunch and he noticed the generator whining and sparking. Something had overloaded it before. Wouldn’t be hard to fuck up the fragile thing further and get started on... firing his further bosses. He picked a wire that looked particularly important and chomped it in half. Daniel lived on cartoon physics, so he just jumped up and went crazy eyed for a moment as he was electrocuted. That seemed to short out the generator as he felt it get hotter and hotter, then burst into flames. Success! But he knew not everything here would be quite so easy to attack so he went to the nearest thing to an armory- the Fascination prize counter.

“Hey girl, do you think I could get one of those flamethrowers you got back there?”

“Only if you give me 5,000 tickets”

He hissed in aggravation, but turned around and started working at it. Life was just an endless game of suffering for years for what he wanted. He was pretty good at the game, but it wouldn’t be enough to win the flamethrower in any reasonable amount of time. So he let himself go, let the absurdity take control, and rolled his next ball. It managed to bounce off just the right place and jam the ticker dispenser, shooting a whole heap of tickets into his waiting hands. He eagerly ran to the counter and ran off with his flamethrower. 

He whipped off his hat and disguise, leaving only his torn clown costume and unreasonably fluffy hair. 

“I’M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!”

He rampaged down the midway, blasting flames at the rides and stalls around him as people fled in terror. Even the rare and elusive King of the Nighttime World wasn’t spared. He’d go absolutely feral at any picture of KISS, torching and shredding posters, shrines, and poor innocent hotdog stands. 

And then an anti-tank rocket whizzed past his ear and blew a crater into the grass behind him. 

“What the-Spaceman?”

“I hate my bosses too, but I draw the line at the destruction of innocent Skydivers!”

Daniel took off running, knowing Space was a lousy walker. Fortunately, flamethrowers were easier to use on the go than bazookas. He torched a carousel with all black and silver animals, busted open the lock on an enclosure full of black and white tegus, and kicked over a novelty Demon trash can with a gaping mouth for stuffing trash in. And then the ground exploded behind him as Spaceman found a spot to settle with his bazooka. He cackled as he watched Daniel alternate between destroying everything he could find and jumping out of his skin to avoid the flying rockets. It was like throwing rocks at a rabid feral cat or poking a betta fish’s tank. Soon half the goddamn park was on fire. Much as Daniel enjoyed torching the smug faces of the capitalist rock clowns, he only had so much gas and it was more economical to attack the fried food stands and start uncontrollable grease fires. Spaceman had no such strategy, just firing rockets in his general direction and laughing at the destruction when he missed. Insurance would cover it. 

Daniel soon found himself sputtering out of gas. He started panicking as he saw Spaceman stumble towards him. Was he done for? No, he could beat that drunken klutz hand-to-hand if needed.

“OH MY GOD I NEED TO SHIT!”

Spaceman booked it for the nearest porta potty. Daniel was saved. And then Space saw a certain bandmate of his stuck on a certain swinging ship, totally unaware of what was happening.


	7. How to Extract Your Customers'  Loose Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys check out the Rocket Ride and a classic coaster known as the Rock and Roll Over. Both specifically designed to empty pockets.

“Hey, where’s the Rocket Ride?”

“The line’s right there, dummy.”

“But I don’t see the actual ride.”

“Why don’t we wait and find out?”

The four tapped their feet impatiently as the line moved AGONIZINGLY slowly. It made the line for the ladies’ room look like checkout at Aldi. 

“This is ridiculous! How can a ride have such abysmal capacity??”

And the the Rocket Ride came into view.

It was a 50 cent coin-operated rocket that wobbled back and forth as a tinny version of the title tune played. 

“What the HELL Space?”

“Demon made me get rid of the last Rocket Ride.”

“Never let him buy rides from Germany again...”

“... Do I even want to know?”

“Unlike good ol’ American rides, German rides are a lot more finicky and fragile. Can’t take the heat well. But worst of all, when something breaks, you have to get the stupid parts specially ordered and shipped all the way from GERMANY. Do you know how slow the slow boat from Germany is??? Enough that the lost operating time is enough to make it cheaper to stick a greasy hunk of steel on a first-class flight with fancy little cocktails and everything! And then our resident ‘tech genius’ here tries to fix the thing with US when all the parts are METRIC and drills new holes and crap so they fit and really fucks everything up!”

“Hey, look on the bright side, it’s an upcharge ride now AND we can put vending machines in line and sell line skip passes to extort even more money out of these suckers!”

Demon’s brow relaxed as he thought for a moment.

“Hm, sometimes you really are a genius, Space.”

They didn’t particularly want to waste more time on a kiddie coin ride they would probably break under their big adult man butts, so they moved on to the Rock and Roll Over, an old classic corckscrew coaster. It had been a lot more impressive in the 70s, but it was small, fun, and sturdy so they’d kept it all these years. The four goons climbed into the car and pulled their over the shoulder harnesses down. After a modest climb up the lift hill, it made a modest drop followed by a triangular hill with some surprisingly fun air, then a teardrop-shaped, flippy 70s-style loop, then barreled into a set of brakes before the final corkscrew. 

Demon looked absolutely delighted as they rolled over the midway agonizingly slowly. Change rained from riders’ pockets and was caught in the nets below. 

“Of course that’s your favorite part. Of course. Same reason you got that Exciter looping ride back in the 80s.”

“Hey, nobody’s gonna miss some pennies and nickels, and by the end of the year it’s enough to get a new trash can or something. Little stuff like that adds up you know.”


	8. Shakin' Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> KISS rides a shaky old wooden roller coaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The jokes about Rocky Mountain Construction are getting a bit too coaster enthusiast-y here admittedly lol Fortunately they're a lot better known than a couple years ago. 
> 
> I'm genuinely proud of Deuce as a stupid ride concept

Deuce was their next destination. It was the first big ride the park had gotten. A double racing wooden coaster, left its natural brown for the sake of potty humor. Stupid name for a song with stupid lyrics, but both it and the ride were beloved nonetheless. The ride requirements sign listed “No expecting mothers, no preexisting conditions, and NO GRANDMAS!”

“Enjoy it while it lasts, guys. People don’t like the ride anymore because it’s old and rough and we’re getting a company called Rocky Mountain Construction to redo it with steel track and more EXTREME elements!”

“Boooo! I thought we were targeting families, not entitled coaster enthusiast assholes! Plus it’s got buzz bars and that makes it historic!”

“Money’s money, Cat. Butts in seats are butts in seats regardless of how much of an asshole they are.”

Starchild interrupted the two.

“Alright, now let’s split up. No way in hell do I trust you two alone with single-position lapbars loose enough to stand in, so Space’s riding with Demon in case he tries to swan dive into the lagoon and you’ll go with me.” 

“Aw phooey. Fun police. Standing and risking your life on coasters with buzz bars is the best part!”

Catman was shushed and stuck in his seat next to Star. Demon got in with Space on the train on the other track. The lapbars buzzed and locked in place, and the chain lifts started up. The trains slowly crawled to the top side by side. They passed under a sign saying “NO STANDING..... AND NO GRANDMAS!”

and were off.

The ride was incredibly rough and shaky. Catman sounded like he was sitting on a washing machine, while Starchild was more akin to the Heaven’s On Fire intro. Spaceman giggled at Demon’s furiously flapping jowls. It was like watching a bulldog in an earthquake. Space floated out of his seat and started to slip from under the lapbar as they fell down, prompting Demon to grab his wrist. On each drop, the noodly Spaceman would slide up and float while Demon held onto him like a weird six-foot balloon before he plopped back down.

The trains tore around the turnaround and back to the station. Space and Demon’s side was pulling ahead and only cemented its lead on the final bunny hills before slamming the breaks a whole train length ahead of the other side. 

Cat was furious getting off, wishing he’d ridden with Demon this time. For once exploiting momentum would have actually worked. 

Spaceman was much more cheerful, though.

“Hey Demon! That ride worked perfect for passing the model kidney stone!”

“Wait- you’re telling me the roughness and aggression of this hunk of junk was finally useful? Alright, I’m calling RMC to tell them to forget about it, we’re keeping it wooden and exploiting the American medical system! “


	9. The Final Showdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Demon is unimpressed by the Hell Hole. Starchild is confronted by Daniel while Spaceman trips through a funhouse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really proud of the Daniel/Starchild fight

The four were heading back towards the entrance as their day was winding up. Demon had just stuffed his face with deep fried Twinkies and went for the physically sedate Hell Hole boat ride with Catman. Spaceman and Starchild made off for the four-story Psycho Circus funhouse.

The Hell Hole was actually a choice of Catman’s. It was an ancient 20s-era dark ride he had bought off from a closing park with a hokey old-school hell theme. Demon was unimpressed the whole time, the loudly complaining about the obvious seams, minimal motion on the fake devils, and how innacurate it actually was to hell. But most of all, he hated the water. 

“It’s hell! Why the fuck is there liquid water! You couldn’t make it red at least?”

“It’s also the 1920s and boat rides are easier to deal with than trying to figure out rails and shit. Coloring will fuck up the old pumps.”

Demon pouted, utterly unimpressed and not even interested in getting frisky in the dark like Cat had hoped. 

The final scene with Satan himself (now painted with Demon facepaint) actually changed his expression. They were both impressed by the realistic flames and stench of smoke, as well as the scare actor running around with a flamethrower. 

“So how was it Demon?”

“Horrifying. Truly horrific. I have never see such hideous and offensive cultural appropriation of hell. I’m offended.”

—

Space ran ahead to the funhouse, entranced by the pretty lights and wacky things to play on. He proceeded to slip in the rotating tunnel and get flopped around like a lazy hamster several times, before stumbling into the hall of mirrors and smacking face-first into each one. 

Starchild was content just watching his blundering idiocy until he felt a tap on his shoulder.

“You’re done for old man!”

It was Daniel, his clown outfit shredded and covered in blood, wielding a flame thrower (that was now out of gas). Useless in physical fisticuffs, Starchild yelled for security and booked it for the funhouse. Daniel chased him. They leapt through the rotating tunnel and darted between the various obstacles as they charged the first floor, Starchild losing ground as he struggled with the steps in his platform boots. 

The mirror maze on the second floor leveled the playing field somewhat. Starchild was able to shoot eye laser beams at Daniel around corners with the mirrors. But unfortunately, Daniel had no trouble finding the route through due to the Spaceman face prints all over the mirrors and he was able to cartoonishly warp himself around the beams. 

Starchild made a wrong turn and became trapped in a corner Spaceman hadn’t trailblazed, his laser exhausted. Daniel slowed his pace as he realized he had him cornered. 

“No place for hiding, baby”

“No place to run”

He reared his ugly face and grinned as he rounded the corner and stared at the trapped Starchild.

“You pull the trigger on my.... LOVE GUN!”

Starchild suddenly whipped out the red and yellow weapon and shot Daniel in the chest. He crumpled to the floor, screaming like an ecstatic teenage girl.

“I REALLY LOVE YOU BABY! I LOVE WHAT YOU GOT! LET’S GET TOGETHER AND GET HOT! I LOVE ALL YOUR SONGS. ESPECIALLY I WAS MADE FOR LOVIN’ YOU AND EVEN THE ELDER! PLEASE LET ME BE SPEND THOUSANDS ON MEET N GREETS AND HELLO KITTY COLLABORATION TOILET PAPER!”

Starchild looked at the flames reflected in the mirror from a window not far away and gasped the widespread destruction visible from this height

“Leave the park at once, you’re banned from here for life for setting half of it on fire. Maybe I’ll let you still come to concerts, though. I can use millionaire paypigs to shell out cash to the KISS Korp.”

Spaceman had just managed to stumble through the rest of the house, tripping up the next two sets of stairs, getting a foot stuck between rope bridge planks, then slipping face-first down the slide before rolling for a solid twenty feet through the grass and landing in a tipped over trash can.


	10. The Grande Finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> KISS has a four-man gay clown orgy on the log flume. Spaceman has a moment of post-nut clarity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now you see why I don't write porn. Don't try any of this at home.

“Well, Daniel’s a crazy superfan now and half the park’s on fire and there’s only 30 minutes before closing, what do we do?”

“Another spin on Deuce?”

“That’s on fire.”

“Skydiver?”

“That’s on fire too.”

“Let’s go on the log flume!”

“Sure, might as well get our asses drenched and not have to live in it the rest of the day”

They piled into the log, the line totally empty due to the late hour and raging fire.

“Space, why is the other half the park also smoking craters?”

“I blew it up with my bazooka!”

“It’s fine, Starchild, we have killer clowns from outer space insurance.”

“Demon, it’s killer KLOWNS insurance.”

“You know, all the K things I’ve trademarked, that wasn’t one of them. Fuck me.”

Space whipped his pants down suddenly very eager

“Fuck you, Demon! And you too, Cat! Fuck all of you, let’s have a log flume orgy!”

“Well, there’s no rule against it so anything goes as long as it’s dark and we remained seated!”

Demon was in the front as a splash shield. Space was right behind him, Cat behind Space, and Starchild in the very back where the water hopefully wouldn’t fuck up his beautiful hair system. They slowly climbed the lift as they figured out how far they could stretch without leaving their seats. The log entered into the first of three vore tunnels of Demon’s big fat mouth, sticking his tongue like usual.

It started with Cat. He plopped his dick on Space’s shoulder, and of course, the mad starman gave it a tender kiss.

“Hey, where the barbs?”

“What?”

“Don’t cats have barbed cocks?”

“I mean, I can arrange that if you want.”

“Yeah! I love having my mouth scraped up! Gives the booze more zing when my cheeks are burning raw!”

“Hey! I need help too!”

Demon had wiggled out of his codpiece. Space reached into his infinite fanny pack and pulled out some rubber gloves.

“Hey! What’s that for?”

“You never touch a bat with your bare hands. They carry all kinds of disease. Rabies, coronavirus, ebola, crabs, HERPES!”

“Pathetic. I hate handjobs. I’d just masturbate is I wanted to fuck some sad hands. The whole park’s destroyed! You’re out of bazooka rockets! And we don’t have insurance so we’re fucked financially! So lube up that butt, space cadet, you got got Nothin’ to Lose!”

The two flipped places, Space craning his neck back over Demon’s shoulder to suck Catman’s cat dong as he propped his feet up on the backrest. 

“Hey, let me in!”

Starchild pouted in the back of the boat. Space grabbed Demon’s tongue and s t r e t c h e d it alllll the way to the back of the boat, wrapping it around Star’s dick so he could long-distance pleasure him. 

And so the real action began. 

The guard at the top of the tower at the first lift was bored out of his mind, blissfully unaware of the destruction around him. And along came a curious sight.

He’d seen clowns on the flume. He’d seen gay couples kissing on the flume. He’d seen sneaky flume blowjobs. But never in his life had he ever beheld a four-man gay clown orgy on a log flume, perfectly abiding by the rules otherwise.

“Have fun on the Journey of 1000 Years, boys. And remember, SPITTING IS FOR QUITTERS KEEP YOUR JIZZ OUT OF THE FUCKING WATER!”

Demon and Space were disappointingly quiet fuckers. Partly because they both had dicks in their mouths. Cat was yowling and clawing up the upholstery between random yabbering about sports, watches, and drumming.

Starchild was loudly sexually screaming random stage quotes like a demented kid’s toy having all its buttons pushed.

“HEY SHMUCK WITH THE LASER!”

“THAT AIN’T MY LEG, THAT’S MY LOVE GUN!”

“ANY GIRLS LIKE TO GET LICKED??? ANY BOYS LIKE TO GET LICKED???”

“YOU WANNA KNOW HOW TO CHANGE THE WORLD??? REGISTER TO VOTE!”

And then the log went over the drop. Starchild nutted hard into Demon’s outstretched tongue as he deftly licked it up to avoid shutting the ride down for being a biohazard.

“HOW YA DOING PEE POOOOOOOLE???”

The log landed with a piddly splash. That was only the first drop. There was another one ahead. And two more vore tunnels so they could claim their flume was a record breaker for having the most vore tunnels in the world. 

“Chinese fire drill! Chinese fire drill! Everyone switch it up!”

Demon’s tongue snapped back into his mouth like a retracting tape measure. Catman pulled Starchild on top of him and readied his shapely behind for a good pounding. Space popped himself off Demon’s lap and somehow got him to sit on his without killed him with his weight. 

“Let’s go!”

The two pair got furiously fucking, Cat jackhammering Starchild into oblivion while Demon power bottomed the lazy Space. Starchild once again came first. Mr. Speed indeed.

“YOU GUYS LIKE DRINKING AAAAALCOHOL?”

Cat was now bored and not quite satisfied. He was also disappointed about missing out on the sweet sweet prostate stimulation the others got. Fortunately, he remembered he had the rabbit he won from Fascination. He pressed the power button and did as Demon said. He, a pussy, rammed it up himself and it went brrrrr. He didn’t seem bothered by how difficult it was to cram the doubled-headed hunk of pink silicone up there or how weird it felt to have tiny rubber bunny ears flapping inside his ass. Unfortunately it was not meant for anal use and was now stuck there and would probably have to be surgically removed. But it sure felt good. 

“Oh my god, Demon, your dick is so small!”

“You seemed happy enough with it earlier, size queen. I’ll have you know it’s perfectly average.”

“Yeah, back before your fat ate half of it.”

“I wouldn’t make fat jokes while fucking if I were you. It’s scientifically proven to make guys last longer and I’ll just keep riding you until your dick falls off.”

“That’s alright, I made sure to snort some Viagra so I’m good for a solid four hours.”

“Say, where did these random homosexual urges even come from?”

Velvet von Ragnar jumped out from behind a piece of theming with a bucket labelled “GAY JUICE”.

“Hey, if I’m Demon and you’re Velvet von Ragnar, which one of is the real Gene Simmons?”

And then a chunky guy wearing a suit top with jeans with sunglasses and laughable helmet hair popped out from behind another piece of theming and pointed at YOU, THE READER!

“Don’t forget to buy the Gene Simmons Vault at genesimmonsvault.com, bitch!”

“Oh god, oh god, a rift in the space-time continuum! That’s so hot! AWWWWWWK!”

Spaceman nutted in Demon’s ass as his impossible fantasy kink was finally fulfilled and the boat fell over the final drop. 

“Ewwww, how’d a used tampon get in the water?”

Demon’s eyes went wide and he nabbed it out of the water like a chameleon, finally coming himself at the taste of that delicious period blood.

They stumbled out of the boat, as the operators all clapped and raised 10/10 signs. They had never seen such a sight on the security cameras. They ceremoniously handed them their onride photo, featuring their various bizarre sex faces and Demon’s tongue stretching across the boat. 

“Well that was fun, but we’re still broke and fucked.”

Spaceman suddenly brightened up in a moment of post-nut clarity.

“Guys! I was lying when I said I was descended from a Cherokee princess! It was really a Killer Klown! I’m 1/64th Killer Klown!”

Demon’s eyes went wide too.

“What’s the legal minimum for Killer Klown content?? Half, quarter, 4%, anything detectable?”

“27 parts per quintillion!”

“OH YEAH! WE’RE SPARED! YOU’RE LEGALLY A KILLER KLOWN FROM OUTER SPACE!”

“Now all that’s left to do is prance away from the destruction arm-in-arm like we’re in the Wizard of Oz!”

“Great idea, Starchild!”

And so they skipped away through the flaming rubble of the ruined park. 

“Too bad Deuce burned down and we can’t exploit the American medical system anymore. All that fake kidney smuggling was all for nothing.”

“That’s alright, Space. Disney apparently copyrighted using coasters for treating kidney stones anyways so it’s a hopeless cause now anyways since you’ll never beat their lawyers.”

The embers of the fallen kingdom lay behind them. They would somehow ride like a phoenix from the ashes. Cat’s stuck vibrator buzzed merrily. Everything was going to be okay.


End file.
